Spindrift on the Astral Sea

The Ron Jeremy of Rangers

Everett's Lair

From the Journal of Arroan Roj-Aires: Day 3, Late Night: I have just had a short conversation with Pieter. Interesting fellow. And yes, he remained naked throughout the entire conversation. With that in mind, I shall now return to telling of our epic battle from earlier in this fine day.

We found ourselves surrounded by a an army of walking corpses, and the lighting in the room seemed to be playing tricks on our eyes. Suddenly, Everett shouted, still without turning toward us, “You won’t stop my work! I shall conquer death yet!” With that he sent a violent force across the room, knocking us all flat, save for Pieter who avoided the burst with some truly astounding aerobatics.

Laurel’s proud pissing ocelot bounded into the room and ripped the nearest of our maggot-infested foes from tip to taint. I never get tired of seeing the beast kill animated corpses with such incredible efficiency. In fact I think I enjoy it a little bit more each time I witness it. Pieter, being on his feet, was the first of our party to attack, save for the ocelot. He summoned forth his mighty fallen hammer, but then it unfortunately fell well short of its intended target.

What happened next is hard to explain. Two shadows seemed to dart at Pieter, but he was able to avoid both with lightning quick reflexes. One of the shadows then pinned my shadow to the wall, and I found myself nearly unable to move. The other shadow seemed to absorb itself into Laurel’s shadow. She screamed in agony as the evil shadow seemed to be attacking her person through her shadow. It was all very bizarre.

While being restrained by the shadow monster, I found it difficult to follow certain elements of the battle. However, I believe I witnessed Aquelle absorb a large amount of energy and then use that energy to light up the shadows, figuratively speaking. Pretty impressive.

At this point the cadavers decided to get aggressive. One made a move at Pieter, who easily avoided it. It then boldly went for the ocelot. The confused animal dodged the monster, and then I fell that stumbling pile of rotting flesh with a flaming arrow straight to the brain (do they have brains?) I attempted to do the same to the cadaver’s comrade, but I missed badly due to my limited mobility at the hands of the shadow monster.

Laurel continued to struggle violently against her own shadow beast, until Pieter valiantly came to her rescue. Like a classically trained dancer, he spiraled beautifully into the offending shadow and illuminated it with his grace until Laurel was able to slip free. He then stopped, called for the strength, speed, and agility of the drunken monkey, and then used that ancient technique to obliterate the two nearest corpses.

With no minions impeding her path, Aquelle made for Everett with her blade swinging, but his agility proved too much for her and he easily avoided her attack. She spun back toward him with another ferocious swing, but again missed her mark. Finally, after composing herself, she struck true, this time with her blade aflame.

Two hideous cadavers remained until Pieter and Laurel double-teamed them and turned them into something that resembled chunky vegetable soup. Gross.

With nothing left standing between me and the foul monster who so ungraciously treated the enchanting Melian, I felt a surge of courage and ripped free from the shadow monster’s tenacious grip. I pulled two flaming arrows from my quiver, drew my bowstring, and sent those arrows to fulfill their noble purpose. The first struck true, right between the beast’s eyes. The other missed wildly, hitting Odo in the bicep.

Pieter has since referred to me as the “Ron Jeremy of Rangers,” since in every battle I always seem to have “one good shot.” I know not what is meant by this, but I shall take it as a compliment of the highest kind, as I assume that Ron Jeremy is either a high priest or perhaps a god served by Pieter’s order.

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